I've been thinking about how adult committed relationships are ultimately for the purpose of growth and healing and that the struggles we experience in these committed relationships are really about growth trying to happen. I've also been thinking about the 10/90 principle of relationship: that the pain we experience in relationship today is 10% to do with our relationship today and 90% to do with pain carried over from childhood. And I've been thinking about how strange it is then that when we feel pain in relationship today, we blame our partner as if they are 100% responsible for all of our pain.
When we look to our partner to solve a problem for which they are only 10% responsible, we miss the opportunity for growth and healing by a large margin and consequently never really feel satisfied in the solution; we experience only a temporary and sometimes shallow feeling of peace and connection. Over time, it is little wonder the divorce rate is what it is today. Couples are feeling dissatisfied, disillusioned and disconnected.
When we acknowledge the pain from the past that we bring to this relationship and how it is that our partner triggers our wound from time to time, then we are better able to find solutions that effectively alleviate the pain, provide opportunities for growth and healing, and bring us back to connection and lasting peace. We see couples for whom this exists .. they exude love and respect and they are what make us all believe that true love is possible.
Personal Example: Looking back, I felt somewhat invisible throughout my childhood. I was a good kid in that I helped those around me, I stayed out of trouble, and I kept my head down. As a result, I didn't get much notice. This was a bit deliberate on my part because to get noticed, in my estimation, meant that I was in trouble and I wanted to avoid that all together! As a child, I felt successful in my approach for harmony. Fast forward some many! years ... I'm married with children and "doing" the role of wife and mother by the book; I'm looking after everyone's needs, I'm responsible, I don't ask for much ... and I'm feeling unnoticed, unimportant, uninteresting, etc. I would complain to my husband that he doesn't seem to want to spend time with me ... that other things seem to be of higher priority to him than me ... that he was becoming more distant .. you get the picture. It was all about him: He was 100% responsible for my pain and my focus for solution was HIM; he needed to change and then I would feel happy. We/I would talk about it, he would make a few changes, things would feel better for awhile, and eventually we would slide back into the old pattern, those old feelings would creep back in, and I would start to feel unimportant, unseen, uninteresting, etc., etc. Do you know this story?
It took me some years of hitting my head against the proverbial brick wall and a Getting the Love You Want couples workshop to get that those feelings of being unimportant, unseen, uninteresting, unnoticed, were in me to begin with and that it didn't take much for him to trigger the pain that lived in me. And yet I was acting as if he was 100% responsible for all of my pain. Once I was able to acknowledge that most of that pain originated in childhood and that it wasn't so much a result of him, but rather that he just tapped into it, were we able to make lasting changes that effectively relieved the pain and restored connection between us. When I shared with him stories of when I was young and felt those same feelings, he experienced a depth of compassion for the pain that I re-experienced whenever he unwittingly tapped into that particular wound.
When we were able to look at my frustration and dissect it to the point where we were able to own what was ours (for me it was about long held pain of feeling invisible; for him it was needing to create emotional distance, a wound he carried over from childhood), we were able to use that situation for growth and healing. Having developed a sense of compassion for my pain, my husband was willing and able to step into actions that were growth producing for him and that provided healing for me. A few examples: he calls me every day when he travels and sometimes that's not easy given the different time zones and activities that we are each involved in; he initiates private dinner dates and focuses his attention on really hearing about what is going on in my life; he occasionally turns down a golf invitation if he's been traveling a lot so that we can catch up on together time because that is what is most important to him. For my part, I've become conscious of when these feelings creep in and instead of blaming him and expecting him to fix things, I acknowledge that these are old feelings, possibly an old tape that might be playing in my head, and that that tape does not pertain to my relationship today. This opens up space in which we are able to stay connected and in which I am able to receive the love that is available for me today. Growth and healing .. the ultimate purpose in adult committed relationships.
How about you? When you feel internal pain, do you have a tendency to look outside of yourself for solutions? If you were to look inside, what link would you discover between the pain you experience today and that which you experienced in childhood? How would the 10/90 principle of relationship apply to you? How might you use that awareness for growth and healing in your relationship today? I'm interested in your story.
Here's a related article: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=1
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
SPENDING TIME IN CONNECTION
Following my own advice this week and I'm taking a break from the normal routine. Instead of working on the various tasks I've laid out for myself to accomplish this summer, I'm spending time in connection with my adult son who chose to take a few days of vacation from his job to visit me while I'm in the States. We are having meals together, running errands together, doing something fun together each day, and just plain hanging out. It's for a few short days and I'm taking it all in. I feel lucky, honored, privileged, loved, loving, happy, proud, successful ...
Is there someone you cherish and want to spend some quality time with? Who is it? What would your time together look like? What feelings do you anticipate all of that bringing up in you? Are you making plans to make it happen? If not, what's stopping you from making it happen?
If you have a story about setting time aside to connect with someone special, I sure would like to hear it.
Is there someone you cherish and want to spend some quality time with? Who is it? What would your time together look like? What feelings do you anticipate all of that bringing up in you? Are you making plans to make it happen? If not, what's stopping you from making it happen?
If you have a story about setting time aside to connect with someone special, I sure would like to hear it.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK
As is customary in the life of an American expatriate, I am "home" for summer holiday; home is North Carolina, USA. I live and work in Hong Kong from the middle of August to the middle of June, and I return to NC for the summer months. When I'm on Summer Home Leave, as it is called, I spend my time doing what expatriates do on home leave: I catch up on visits with family and friends, organize maintenance on our home, and schedule annual medical exams. It's a very busy time, but it's not "work".
I've been away from the office now for three weeks and I've noticed myself feeling increasingly anxious and guilty. I'm feeling like I should be in HK working! To compensate for being away from the office I have a list of work-related tasks to complete, but each one of them takes me away from what I came here to do. How ridiculous is that!? And the more time that passes without me accomplishing any one of these tasks, the more anxious and guilty I feel! Do you ever experience this sort of dilema when you're on holiday? My husband and I have gone many rounds while on holiday with me saying, "Please, put the blackberry/computer away and just relax!" I think I'm getting a taste of his dilema.
While my time in the States is necessary (without attention / maintenance, my house, my body and my relationships would all deteriorate), at some level I must be living by a belief that says my time spent on personal needs is not "productive enough" and therefore a waste of time. Logically I know that this is a ridiculous line of thinking; we all need time away from work to take care of ourselves, yet this logical approach does nothing to eliminate feelings of anxiety and guilt.
I figure I have to either be really organized with my time while on "holiday" (an oxymoron) or make choices about what I do and don't do. Or, here's a thought, I could re-examine the internal message and redefine what it means to be productive! And what pops up is this saying, "When you're on your death-bed, will it matter that you didn't ...(fill in the blank)?"
Suddenly it's all quite clear: Being productive to me means spending time doing what really matters to me deep down. Since my relationships really matter to me, spending time nurturing them is very productive. The time I spend with family and friends, the time I spend nurturing and deepening core relationships, is time spent doing what sustains me. It is what helps me do a better job in my work with couples (you have to experience depth of relationship to know how to facilitate it, right?); it is what helps me be able to be away from home for months on end and feel like I belong when I return; it is what informs who and how I am as a person. At this moment in time, I can think of nothing more valuable to spend my time on.
And now I have a new, more congruent idea of what being productive is about for me, and as I say this, I'm feeling a new sense of balance and calm.
If you have a hard time relaxing completely when you're on holiday, ask yourself the question. What comes most quickly and easily to mind is where you want to put your time and energy. Give yourself a break!
I've been away from the office now for three weeks and I've noticed myself feeling increasingly anxious and guilty. I'm feeling like I should be in HK working! To compensate for being away from the office I have a list of work-related tasks to complete, but each one of them takes me away from what I came here to do. How ridiculous is that!? And the more time that passes without me accomplishing any one of these tasks, the more anxious and guilty I feel! Do you ever experience this sort of dilema when you're on holiday? My husband and I have gone many rounds while on holiday with me saying, "Please, put the blackberry/computer away and just relax!" I think I'm getting a taste of his dilema.
While my time in the States is necessary (without attention / maintenance, my house, my body and my relationships would all deteriorate), at some level I must be living by a belief that says my time spent on personal needs is not "productive enough" and therefore a waste of time. Logically I know that this is a ridiculous line of thinking; we all need time away from work to take care of ourselves, yet this logical approach does nothing to eliminate feelings of anxiety and guilt.
I figure I have to either be really organized with my time while on "holiday" (an oxymoron) or make choices about what I do and don't do. Or, here's a thought, I could re-examine the internal message and redefine what it means to be productive! And what pops up is this saying, "When you're on your death-bed, will it matter that you didn't ...(fill in the blank)?"
Suddenly it's all quite clear: Being productive to me means spending time doing what really matters to me deep down. Since my relationships really matter to me, spending time nurturing them is very productive. The time I spend with family and friends, the time I spend nurturing and deepening core relationships, is time spent doing what sustains me. It is what helps me do a better job in my work with couples (you have to experience depth of relationship to know how to facilitate it, right?); it is what helps me be able to be away from home for months on end and feel like I belong when I return; it is what informs who and how I am as a person. At this moment in time, I can think of nothing more valuable to spend my time on.
And now I have a new, more congruent idea of what being productive is about for me, and as I say this, I'm feeling a new sense of balance and calm.
If you have a hard time relaxing completely when you're on holiday, ask yourself the question. What comes most quickly and easily to mind is where you want to put your time and energy. Give yourself a break!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
DARE TO DREAM BIG
So I'm told that to be a contemporary business person, I need to have a blog. I've been thinking about this for some months now and my feelings about it have boiled down to a mixture of resistance and curiosity. I think the resistance is a reflection of thinking that I'm too old for all this technology, that there's something new around every corner, and I'm just not going to be able to keep up, so why bother! The curiosity is a reflection of thinking that I'm NOT too old, that I CAN keep up, and that it just takes a little courage ... at my age. You see, I just turned 50 and many of my peers are only just giving Facebook a try, then deciding to shut down their accounts because it's too difficult, too much to keep up with in addition to email, work and family life. I understand that! But I'm feeling courageous enough to forge ahead and so I'm going to give this blogging thing a go. I must admit, I'm not entirely sure what a blog is and how it differs from Twitter (another technological avenue I've been encouraged to explore) or Facebook, but here goes.
My aim is to share thoughts, experiences, stories having to do with deepening relational connections. I feel passionate about the power that a connection between two people can have for each as an individual as well as the relational space between them, whether it occurs between lovers, friends, family or complete strangers. This power, which is born in connection, ripples into the world; it can touch many and it can last for days! Imagine a scenario: you're at a family reunion (and I was recently) where the elders present are a couple who have been together for some thirty years. They are observed by the younger generations to be gentle, kind and thoughtful towards one another. They are known by all to be a very loving couple who have weathered many storms and have come through to a place of honor, respect and love for one another. They are a beacon for the rest and everyone can feel their love for one another. In this atmosphere, the rest of us treat our partner with a bit more love .. and we treat our children with a bit more tenderness and patience .. and the children treat each other with fairness and inclusion. The reunion ends, everyone goes home, and with us go feelings of love, warmth, kindness, etc. By virtue of the way we have been affected by the power of the elder's connection, the people we cross paths with in the coming days are also affected, and on it goes. You see how this can ripple out into the world? It's magic!!
I am interested in facilitating more of this in the world because I believe that if we have more people experiencing the power of connection, we'll become a world of happier, healthier people. With happier, healthier people, maybe we'll see less fighting in homes, in communities, in countries and between countries. It's a big dream, but so is being able to keep up with technological growth!
My hope is that you'll feel inspired to make comments to facilitate discussion (can you have a discussion on a blog?). Thanks for joining me in this effort.
My aim is to share thoughts, experiences, stories having to do with deepening relational connections. I feel passionate about the power that a connection between two people can have for each as an individual as well as the relational space between them, whether it occurs between lovers, friends, family or complete strangers. This power, which is born in connection, ripples into the world; it can touch many and it can last for days! Imagine a scenario: you're at a family reunion (and I was recently) where the elders present are a couple who have been together for some thirty years. They are observed by the younger generations to be gentle, kind and thoughtful towards one another. They are known by all to be a very loving couple who have weathered many storms and have come through to a place of honor, respect and love for one another. They are a beacon for the rest and everyone can feel their love for one another. In this atmosphere, the rest of us treat our partner with a bit more love .. and we treat our children with a bit more tenderness and patience .. and the children treat each other with fairness and inclusion. The reunion ends, everyone goes home, and with us go feelings of love, warmth, kindness, etc. By virtue of the way we have been affected by the power of the elder's connection, the people we cross paths with in the coming days are also affected, and on it goes. You see how this can ripple out into the world? It's magic!!
I am interested in facilitating more of this in the world because I believe that if we have more people experiencing the power of connection, we'll become a world of happier, healthier people. With happier, healthier people, maybe we'll see less fighting in homes, in communities, in countries and between countries. It's a big dream, but so is being able to keep up with technological growth!
My hope is that you'll feel inspired to make comments to facilitate discussion (can you have a discussion on a blog?). Thanks for joining me in this effort.
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