APPROACHING CHANGE THROUGH APPRECIATIVE INQUIRY

So often, we approach change from the standpoint of looking at what's wrong; we focus on the problem.  The children fight too much, our boss doesn't seem to notice or appreciate how hard we're working, our relationship isn't what it used to be, etc.  By focusing on problems, we find more of them; we emphasize and amplify them!  It's a vicious, exhausting and never ending cycle because there is always a problem to be solved!

An alternative approach to change is Appreciate Inquiry, which I was reminded of recently as I listened to my husband talk about a meeting that he was preparing to lead.  As I looked into the concept, I realized that this is what I teach couples right from the start as I get them to shift their focus from what's wrong in the relationship to what's right!  I do this by teaching a dialogue on Appreciation (see an earlier blog: The Power of A Fully Expressed Appreciation).    So I share with you what I discovered.

Appreciative Inquiry suggests that we approach change from the standpoint of looking for what is working in our life; the tangible result of the inquiry process is a series of statements that describe where we want to be based on the high moments of where we have been.  Because the statements are grounded in real experience and history, we know how to repeat our success.

Assumptions of Appreciative Inquiry (with respect to relationships):

• In every relationship (group, family, couple) something works.
• What we focus on becomes our reality.
• Reality is created in the moment, and there are multiple realities.
• The act of asking questions (of one's self and one's partner) influences the relationship in some way.
• People have more confidence and comfort to journey to the future (the unknown) when they carry forward parts of the past/present (the known).
• If we carry parts of the past forward, those parts should be what is best about the past/present.
• It is important to value differences.
• The language we use creates our reality.

The goal is to seek the root cause of success (not the root causes of failure).  In doing so, there are two points to remember:

1. What you look for is what you get; the questions you ask determine the answers you get.
2. Where you think you are going is where you end up.

Three principles to keep in mind are:

1. If you look for problems, you find more problems.
2. If you look for success, you find more success.
3. If you have faith in your relationship and yourself, you can accomplish miracles.

So, here's a dialogue to have with your partner following the Appreciative Inquiry model of change.
Ask your partner if they are willing to dialogue with you about the future of your relationship and let them know that you want to investigate ways to enjoy it better together.

• What I see as having worked well (past), or as working well (present), in our relationship is ...  
• A specific experience I had/have with you was/is ...
• The story I make up about what made/makes that experience possible (listing contributions of yourself and of your partner from your perspective) was/is ...
• How I felt/feel when I had/have that experience with you was/is ...
• When I had/have this experience with you, how I behaved/behave with you was/is ...
• What I enjoyed/enjoy about that was/is ...
• What I would like to experience more of with you is ...
• How I might contribute to having more of that with you is ...
• What might be challenging for me in doing that is ...
• How I imagine you might be able to help me with that is ...
• What I appreciate about you right now is ...

When I consider approaching change from a deficits perspective, I feel a loss of energy and some hopelessness.  When I consider approaching change from an appreciative perspective, I feel inspired, energized and hopeful.  It is my wish that you feel inspired to give it a go .. explore with your partner ways to make your relationship the best it can be.  

THE POWER OF A FULLY EXPRESSED APPRECIATION

Have you ever been flooded by a sense of appreciation for your partner? Maybe it was something they did for you or it was a way in which they were with you that touched you and made you feel a gush of love for them. Did you tell them with a simple "Thanks," or did you think it and feel it and keep it to yourself?


I was recently reminded of the power of a fully expressed appreciation.  


About a month ago, my husband and I were presenting a Getting the Love You Want workshop for couples and we volunteered to do a demonstration of an Appreciation Dialogue; I agreed to be the one appreciating him. To give you some history ... I'd been having trouble with my new computer and needed his help at the shop to explain the issue in techno-terminology. His schedule was really tight at work, but he managed to reschedule a meeting so that he could meet up with me and help get my problems all sorted. When it was all over, I could have said simply, "Thanks for the help today" and left it at that.  


Instead, I took this opportunity to fully appreciate him. I looked into his eyes and told him I appreciated him having taken the time to meet me at the store in the middle of his hectic day, that I knew he didn't have the space in his calendar and yet, by moving a meeting, he created the time to help me, and I really appreciated that. I appreciated that he'd been working really hard lately and that he'd been experiencing a lot of pressure from work, and so his effort to make the time to help me meant even more. I also appreciated that he did it all with an attitude of love and support and that what this told me about him as a person was that he is a generous and committed person. The feelings that came up for me as a result of all of this were that I felt gratitude, I felt loved, I felt important and special, I felt like a priority for him and like I really mattered to him. All of that was deeply healing for me; for many years in our marriage I longed to feel this way with him, and so each time I experience him this way, it moves me closer to feeling deeply secure in our relationship. Had I simply said, "Thanks", I would have missed the whole experience. I felt a deep connection and love for him in the moment of appreciating him so fully. We each got a little misty-eyed.


When we were done, someone commented on how much there was in my appreciation that is so often never spoken, and how much depth and connection seems possible as a result of going there; this was an eye-opener to them having seen the demonstration. My husband spoke up and talked about how meaningful it was for him to hear my full appreciation of his effort. It had indeed been a very difficult time at work and it was hard for him to make the time to meet up with me, that having done so and being so appreciated for it made all the difference in the world! He felt recognized and appreciated for his efforts. He spoke about how healing it was to experience me appreciating him so fully because he has often felt unappreciated in life (by me, the children, work, and by his parents as a young boy) for all that he does.  


I suspect you too have opportunities to experience the depth and connection that is possible when you experience moments of appreciation for your partner. To help you share your appreciation more fully, I offer this dialogue so that you can gush over them in a way that is healing and connecting for you both.


Let your partner know that you want to appreciate them for something so that you have their undivided attention. Sit comfortably across from each other so that you can look softly into each other eyes without straining. Take a few deep breaths to center yourself and to connect with the depth of your appreciation.  And say:

• Something I appreciate about you is ...
• What I really appreciate about that is ...
• What that tells me about you, your character, is ...
• When I experience you that way, what I feel is ... and what it heals in me is ...
• How I'm feeling as I share this with you now is ...

Expressing an appreciation fully is as beneficial to the sender as it is to the receiver. It just feels good! Give it a go and comment on your experience!! I look forward to hearing from you.

THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE

Have you ever done something for your partner and felt that the effort fell flat and went unnoticed? 

We do things for our partner as an expression of our love for them.  Often, those expressions lack impact or go unnoticed because they are not expressions of love that speak to our partner; they are expressions of love that, if our partner did them for us, would speak to us!  Remember the Platinum Rule:  Do unto your partner as they would have you do unto them.

By learning your partner's love language, you can  increase the likelihood that your expressions of love will have the positive impact that you intend.

Here are the FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES:

• Affirmation / Words:  verbal compliments; words of appreciation; praise and encouragement; kind words; noticing and appreciating the others positive actions and qualities.
• Attention / Quality Time:  being available; doing something enjoyable and interactive together; giving uninterrupted, undivided, and focused attention, quality conversation in which both talk and listen, creating memorable moments, self-reealing intimacy.
• Action / Acts of Service:  willingly (not forcibly) doing things for the other; welcome helpfulness, timely and positive response to requests (not demands) of the other; acts of kindness, done with loving attitude (not fear, guilt or resentment); acts that reflect equality and partnership.
• Affection / Physical Touch:  loving (never abusive) physical contact at appropriate times and places; tender hugs, touches, or pats on the arm, shoulder, or back:  back or foot rubs or massages, kissing, holding hands, holding while crying and comforting; intimate touch, caresses and sex.
• Appreciation / Gifts:  tangible objects freely offered; symbols that you thought about; gifts of any size, shape, color or price; visual symbols of love without any strings attached (or to cover up failure); gifts given anytime, not just on special occasions.

To learn your partner's love language, ask them to click the link below and take the test; you do the same.  Then, have them write a list for you of the various things that you do or have done (maybe even could do, according to their love language) that, when you do/did them, they felt loved and cared for by you; make a list for your partner as well.  Now that you have your list, you can be sure that your expressions of love will have the impact you intend them to have!

Based on Garry Chapman's

The Five Love Languages

http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp