APPROACHING CHANGE THROUGH APPRECIATIVE INQUIRY

So often, we approach change from the standpoint of looking at what's wrong; we focus on the problem.  The children fight too much, our boss doesn't seem to notice or appreciate how hard we're working, our relationship isn't what it used to be, etc.  By focusing on problems, we find more of them; we emphasize and amplify them!  It's a vicious, exhausting and never ending cycle because there is always a problem to be solved!

An alternative approach to change is Appreciate Inquiry, which I was reminded of recently as I listened to my husband talk about a meeting that he was preparing to lead.  As I looked into the concept, I realized that this is what I teach couples right from the start as I get them to shift their focus from what's wrong in the relationship to what's right!  I do this by teaching a dialogue on Appreciation (see an earlier blog: The Power of A Fully Expressed Appreciation).    So I share with you what I discovered.

Appreciative Inquiry suggests that we approach change from the standpoint of looking for what is working in our life; the tangible result of the inquiry process is a series of statements that describe where we want to be based on the high moments of where we have been.  Because the statements are grounded in real experience and history, we know how to repeat our success.

Assumptions of Appreciative Inquiry (with respect to relationships):

• In every relationship (group, family, couple) something works.
• What we focus on becomes our reality.
• Reality is created in the moment, and there are multiple realities.
• The act of asking questions (of one's self and one's partner) influences the relationship in some way.
• People have more confidence and comfort to journey to the future (the unknown) when they carry forward parts of the past/present (the known).
• If we carry parts of the past forward, those parts should be what is best about the past/present.
• It is important to value differences.
• The language we use creates our reality.

The goal is to seek the root cause of success (not the root causes of failure).  In doing so, there are two points to remember:

1. What you look for is what you get; the questions you ask determine the answers you get.
2. Where you think you are going is where you end up.

Three principles to keep in mind are:

1. If you look for problems, you find more problems.
2. If you look for success, you find more success.
3. If you have faith in your relationship and yourself, you can accomplish miracles.

So, here's a dialogue to have with your partner following the Appreciative Inquiry model of change.
Ask your partner if they are willing to dialogue with you about the future of your relationship and let them know that you want to investigate ways to enjoy it better together.

• What I see as having worked well (past), or as working well (present), in our relationship is ...  
• A specific experience I had/have with you was/is ...
• The story I make up about what made/makes that experience possible (listing contributions of yourself and of your partner from your perspective) was/is ...
• How I felt/feel when I had/have that experience with you was/is ...
• When I had/have this experience with you, how I behaved/behave with you was/is ...
• What I enjoyed/enjoy about that was/is ...
• What I would like to experience more of with you is ...
• How I might contribute to having more of that with you is ...
• What might be challenging for me in doing that is ...
• How I imagine you might be able to help me with that is ...
• What I appreciate about you right now is ...

When I consider approaching change from a deficits perspective, I feel a loss of energy and some hopelessness.  When I consider approaching change from an appreciative perspective, I feel inspired, energized and hopeful.  It is my wish that you feel inspired to give it a go .. explore with your partner ways to make your relationship the best it can be.