ANNUAL REVIEW DIALOGUE

An Ideal Way to Spend New Year's Eve

Sit quietly with your partner and share the following Dialogue with Mirroring, Validation and Empathy:

1a.  How did I add to your life this past year?

1b.  How would you like me to add to your life in the coming year?

2a.  What helped you feel loved and safe with me this past year?

2b.  What would help you feel loved and safe in the coming year?

3a.  What precious memories do you have from this past year?

3b.  What precious memories would you like to create in the coming year?

4a.  How did you see me grow in this past year?

4b.  In what ways would you like me to grow in the coming year?

5a.  What did you learn from me in this past year?

5b.  What would you like us to learn in the coming year?

THE PLATINUM RULE OF GIFT GIVING

'Tis the season for giving!

You remember the Golden Rule:  "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  Well, it has just been upgraded to the Platinum Rule:  "Do unto others as they would have you do unto them."  If you are a gift-giving person during the holidays, this is a rule to keep in mind.


When we give a gift, our desire is to see the pleasure and surprise on the face of the person receiving the gift.  Quite often we are disappointed in their reaction and in our efforts to get it right.  We buy into the myth that if we really loved them or knew them, we would know exactly what it is that would bring about the desired reaction.


When you think about it, we gift gifts based on the Golden Rule; we give them what we then they would like, and since our loved one is not us, we miss the mark.  Sometimes we select gifts based on advertisements or what friends are giving their loved ones, and again, we miss the mark.  Honestly, it is like shooting arrows in the dark while blindfolded!


Have you ever notice that when a person asks for something specific and you give that to them, they are delighted at receiving it, and suddenly you are seeing the reaction of pleasure and appreciation that you were looking for?  That's because you followed the Platinum Rule !!  Kudos !!!


You might be thinking, "Well, hang on a minute; gifts are supposed to be a surprise!  Where is the surprise in giving what they ask for?"  You have a point.  So another way to give a gift that will surely bring about the desired result is to listen closely for what it is that they wish for ... and then surprise them with that!  The gift here is in the noticing, in paying attention and listening closely, taking an interest in the other to the point that you heard their wish and took action.


The Platinum Rule and the Imago Dialogue go hand in hand.  Since we are distinctly separate beings, we can not possibly know what an Other would like to receive; we must ask and listen.  The Intentional Dialogue is another excellent way of really hearing what it is that your partner wants in life.  

During this holiday season, give your partner the gift of truly listening.

THE IMPORTANCE OF VALIDATION

I had a big learning at the Imago conference this year. Something I thought I'd learned some time ago, so maybe this was another layer of learning.

People want, and maybe even need,
to feel validated at the place where they are right now,
and that this is a necessary step in the change/growth process.

Change is difficult. We are rooted in patterns of behavior that feel safe, patterns that we developed a long time ago in response to feeling vulnerable and unsafe, and so changing those behaviors is experienced as risky! And yet, growth / change is a big part of the ultimate purpose in intimate relationships! Let's face it, change is inevitable. No two people remain unchanged throughout life! So how do we stretch into new behaviors when we experience change as threatening?

I think we first have to recognize the patterns of feelings and behaviors in relationship today and connect with how we felt and behaved similarly in childhood. We have to connect to the childhood piece because that is where we learned how to be in relationship, that is when our patterns of relating set in. It is very likely, however, that the circumstances around which we established those behaviors (for the purpose of establishing relational safety) were different to the circumstances we are in today, but there is enough of an unconscious similarity from then to now that we are living as if then is now! We have to become conscious of the emotional connection and of the circumstantial differences.

Once we understand the vulnerabilities around which the patterns were developed and how we are feeling similarly today, we can begin to experience compassion for ourselves. It is from that place that we begin to feel validated, we can begin to see the sense our behaviors make, recognizing the similarity of our feelings and behaviors between then (in childhood) and now. Deeply experienced feelings from childhood live in us today; we want to become curious as to how so. How are they triggered and how do they show up! This is often the crux of our struggles in adult relationships.

Given our unique set of life experiences, our imprint from birth to now, how we are in relationship (what we say and do), makes sense ... we want to be curious long enough to get the sense we make. And it so happens that what worked well enough for us in childhood, in terms of our response to vulnerability, does not work so well in adulthood when we feel vulnerable. And, we usually want to experience something different in relationship today, something that enables us to feel a greater connection and a deeper, more mature and honest sense of safety in relationship.

So how do we step into that growth from where we are and what we are experiencing, to where we want to be and how we want to experience ourselves in relationship? How do we break out of the pattern of behavior and still feel safe and connected?

Example: For a long time in my marriage I resented any time that my husband spent away from the family or me that wasn't strictly work related. I figured if he wanted to be with us/me, he would choose to turn down offers for golf, etc. The pattern was that he would mention an invitation and I would instantly become reactive (sulk, stop speaking, become distant and cold), feel hurt and angry, and think I was not interesting or fun enough for him to want to stay home with. Of course, I didn't say all of this to him, I would just huff around the house. He, being a smart man, caught on to this pattern and would avoid telling me about an invitation for as long as possible for fear of the coldness that would ensue. It wasn't fun, but this was our pattern of behavior. Maybe you can relate.

Applying the theory, I first connected with how I was feeling and acting in the adult relationship and connected it to a time when I had similar feelings and behaviors in childhood. I identified feeling alone, inadequate, and uninteresting; the story in my head (automatic thought) was that I was not enough to keep his interest or for him to want to be home with me; and the deepest associated feeling was fear!. If all this was true (and in my experience it was), my ultimate fear was that he would lose interest completely and we would eventually split. How did this connect to childhood? For me, it connected to a significant time when my family split apart, where my father and closest sister went one way and my mother and I and my littler sisters went another. In my little-person experience as the eldest and most responsible child, I felt I should have been able to hold us together. I schemed for a long time at how to bring the family back together and, of course, I was not successful. I even tried being ugly to my father and his new wife thinking that he would feel the sting of my words, the loss of my love, and come back home. This might sound like an extreme example or a far reach, but when I connected to the deepest feelings I was experiencing in the adult relationship, these were the feelings and the story that I immediately connected with from childhood. Of course, the experience of childhood was one of desperation and I noticed that same feeling as being at the root of what I was experiencing in my marriage.

All of a sudden my reactivity made sense, not only to me but also to my husband. We both felt instant compassion for the feelings and behaviors that occurred whenever I experienced him as choosing to be apart from me. From that place of understanding and compassion, a shift was possible. My circumstances today were certainly different from those of my childhood; I had no ability to affect the relationship of my parents but I do have the ability to improve my relationship today. And I began to feel a freedom from the unconscious hold that those feelings and behaviors and that story had on me. I was able to see how living from that story, from that fear and desperation, was creating a distance, and possibly a forgone conclusion, in my relationship today, and I did NOT want that! I was also able to feel my husband's understanding and compassion for my experience; I felt loved and more secure.

I know this: How I am with my partner has a huge impact on how he experiences me and therefore how he behaves with me. I can't change him, but I can change me and thereby change his experience of me and perhaps his way of being with me, which then influences my experience of him.

So my next step was to acknowledge how my contribution to that pattern of behavior between us was keeping me from getting what I ultimately wanted to experience in my relationship, which was to feel loved, seen, important, desirable, and secure. In order to enable that, I needed to behave differently in moments of insecurity. I decided that what I could do differently was to talk more with my husband about my feelings when they occurred, to allow him to see my vulnerability, and to give him a chance to respond. My hunch was that if I was able to do that, his response would be one of compassion, which would result in my feeling loved, secure, seen, important, etc. I was right.

So I had to see the pattern of behavior, understand where it came from, develop compassion for the childhood piece, see the difference between then and now, and experience feeling understood and validated both within myself and from my husband. From that place, a shift happened and change and growth in connection was possible.

Thinking back to childhood, what I experienced in relationship as a little person (especially when I didn't feel safe, loved, accepted, seen, valued, secure, etc.) and what I learned to do to help myself feel safer in relationship, made sense. And because we do today what we learned to do then, what I am doing in relationship today when I experience insecurity makes sense. I just have to be curious and explore the connection to get the sense it makes.

And then I have to ask myself what it is that I ultimately want to experience in relationship today with my husband. My deepest desire is to feel loved, accepted, secure, safe, desirable, important, interesting, etc. I have longed to experience these aspects of relationship my whole life; how I have adapted to not always experiencing them makes sense and I want to honor my youthful wisdom and attempts at experiencing them. I want to appreciate the little person within who has gotten me this far in relationship. I want to have compassion for the aspects of myself that I want to change today, aspects which have helped me feel a sense of safety in relationship as a child but which are getting in the way of me achieving what it is that I ultimately want to experience in relationship today.

Then, I have to ask myself, "What is one thing that I can do to better ensure that I will be given love, acceptance, security, safety, etc.?" "How might I change my behavior in order to make it more likely that my partner will want to give me that love, acceptance, security and safety in relationship?"

And then step into that growth. And when I falter, to step back into growth.

ENERGY FOLLOWS INTENTION

On my website, I have posted a link to a FREE list of suggestions that, when followed, will improve your intimate, committed relationship, guaranteed! This is based on the notion that couples often notice a slight improvement in their relationship between the time they make a call to set an appointment with a marriage therapist and the actual appointment. Why? Because the act of making the call, an intentional act, seems to set in motion a consciousness that positively influences behavior. When couples behave intentionally with one another, the relational space between them begins to shift for the better.

In every relationship there are two co-existing realities: the reality of negativity that exist between two people, and the reality of positivity that exists between two people. If one outweighs the other, it can feel as if the other doesn't exist at all! When things are going badly in a relationship, we can lose sight of the positive rather quickly, but it doesn't mean it's not there; our ability to see and experience it has gotten hijacked by the bad. I believe it is possible to balance our focus and to recognize when and where things are going well, even when things between us feel overwhelmingly bad .. and that takes intention!

John Gottman, professor of psychology, researcher and author, says that happy couples follow the 5:1 Principle which says that they have five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. When one has said or done something negative to their partner, in order to bring their relationship back into balance they must then say or do five positive things to their partner! This, again, takes intention!! It's not easy, it's growth.

Couples don't generally go to see a marriage therapist until they are mired knee deep in negativity. When I begin working with a couple, one of the first things I aim to do is to help them bring their relationship back into balance where each person in the relationship can see and feel the good that exists alongside the bad. Bringing the relationship into as close a balance as is possible ensures that the work that needs to be done has a chance of being successful.

Whether or not you are considering marriage therapy, your relationship can benefit from the 5:1 Principle. As I said earlier, in every relationship there are two co-existing realities. When you intentionally do any or all of the suggestions that are listed in Tips to Improve Your Committed Relationship, you will experience a shift in your relationship ... without ever stepping foot in a therapist's office. It won't make that which needs working on disappear, but it will bring your relationship into greater balance, making the work that lies ahead much easier.

Whatever we focus on grows; energy follows intention. When things feel difficult, we tend to focus only on the difficult. To bring a relationship into balance, one needs to also focus on the positive. Exercise intentionality in your relationship and order your free copy of Tips to Improve Your Committed Relationship, Guaranteed!

Let me know how you go. And remember: Where your focus goes, energy flows!

IF THE PAIN IS INSIDE, WHY AM I LOOKING OUTSIDE FOR RELIEF?

I've been thinking about how adult committed relationships are ultimately for the purpose of growth and healing and that the struggles we experience in these committed relationships are really about growth trying to happen. I've also been thinking about the 10/90 principle of relationship: that the pain we experience in relationship today is 10% to do with our relationship today and 90% to do with pain carried over from childhood. And I've been thinking about how strange it is then that when we feel pain in relationship today, we blame our partner as if they are 100% responsible for all of our pain.

When we look to our partner to solve a problem for which they are only 10% responsible, we miss the opportunity for growth and healing by a large margin and consequently never really feel satisfied in the solution; we experience only a temporary and sometimes shallow feeling of peace and connection. Over time, it is little wonder the divorce rate is what it is today. Couples are feeling dissatisfied, disillusioned and disconnected.

When we acknowledge the pain from the past that we bring to this relationship and how it is that our partner triggers our wound from time to time, then we are better able to find solutions that effectively alleviate the pain, provide opportunities for growth and healing, and bring us back to connection and lasting peace. We see couples for whom this exists .. they exude love and respect and they are what make us all believe that true love is possible.

Personal Example: Looking back, I felt somewhat invisible throughout my childhood. I was a good kid in that I helped those around me, I stayed out of trouble, and I kept my head down. As a result, I didn't get much notice. This was a bit deliberate on my part because to get noticed, in my estimation, meant that I was in trouble and I wanted to avoid that all together! As a child, I felt successful in my approach for harmony. Fast forward some many! years ... I'm married with children and "doing" the role of wife and mother by the book; I'm looking after everyone's needs, I'm responsible, I don't ask for much ... and I'm feeling unnoticed, unimportant, uninteresting, etc. I would complain to my husband that he doesn't seem to want to spend time with me ... that other things seem to be of higher priority to him than me ... that he was becoming more distant .. you get the picture. It was all about him: He was 100% responsible for my pain and my focus for solution was HIM; he needed to change and then I would feel happy. We/I would talk about it, he would make a few changes, things would feel better for awhile, and eventually we would slide back into the old pattern, those old feelings would creep back in, and I would start to feel unimportant, unseen, uninteresting, etc., etc. Do you know this story?

It took me some years of hitting my head against the proverbial brick wall and a Getting the Love You Want couples workshop to get that those feelings of being unimportant, unseen, uninteresting, unnoticed, were in me to begin with and that it didn't take much for him to trigger the pain that lived in me. And yet I was acting as if he was 100% responsible for all of my pain. Once I was able to acknowledge that most of that pain originated in childhood and that it wasn't so much a result of him, but rather that he just tapped into it, were we able to make lasting changes that effectively relieved the pain and restored connection between us. When I shared with him stories of when I was young and felt those same feelings, he experienced a depth of compassion for the pain that I re-experienced whenever he unwittingly tapped into that particular wound.

When we were able to look at my frustration and dissect it to the point where we were able to own what was ours (for me it was about long held pain of feeling invisible; for him it was needing to create emotional distance, a wound he carried over from childhood), we were able to use that situation for growth and healing. Having developed a sense of compassion for my pain, my husband was willing and able to step into actions that were growth producing for him and that provided healing for me. A few examples: he calls me every day when he travels and sometimes that's not easy given the different time zones and activities that we are each involved in; he initiates private dinner dates and focuses his attention on really hearing about what is going on in my life; he occasionally turns down a golf invitation if he's been traveling a lot so that we can catch up on together time because that is what is most important to him. For my part, I've become conscious of when these feelings creep in and instead of blaming him and expecting him to fix things, I acknowledge that these are old feelings, possibly an old tape that might be playing in my head, and that that tape does not pertain to my relationship today. This opens up space in which we are able to stay connected and in which I am able to receive the love that is available for me today. Growth and healing .. the ultimate purpose in adult committed relationships.

How about you? When you feel internal pain, do you have a tendency to look outside of yourself for solutions? If you were to look inside, what link would you discover between the pain you experience today and that which you experienced in childhood? How would the 10/90 principle of relationship apply to you? How might you use that awareness for growth and healing in your relationship today? I'm interested in your story.

Here's a related article: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=1

SPENDING TIME IN CONNECTION

Following my own advice this week and I'm taking a break from the normal routine. Instead of working on the various tasks I've laid out for myself to accomplish this summer, I'm spending time in connection with my adult son who chose to take a few days of vacation from his job to visit me while I'm in the States. We are having meals together, running errands together, doing something fun together each day, and just plain hanging out. It's for a few short days and I'm taking it all in. I feel lucky, honored, privileged, loved, loving, happy, proud, successful ...

Is there someone you cherish and want to spend some quality time with? Who is it? What would your time together look like? What feelings do you anticipate all of that bringing up in you? Are you making plans to make it happen? If not, what's stopping you from making it happen?

If you have a story about setting time aside to connect with someone special, I sure would like to hear it.

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK

As is customary in the life of an American expatriate, I am "home" for summer holiday; home is North Carolina, USA. I live and work in Hong Kong from the middle of August to the middle of June, and I return to NC for the summer months. When I'm on Summer Home Leave, as it is called, I spend my time doing what expatriates do on home leave: I catch up on visits with family and friends, organize maintenance on our home, and schedule annual medical exams. It's a very busy time, but it's not "work".

I've been away from the office now for three weeks and I've noticed myself feeling increasingly anxious and guilty. I'm feeling like I should be in HK working! To compensate for being away from the office I have a list of work-related tasks to complete, but each one of them takes me away from what I came here to do. How ridiculous is that!? And the more time that passes without me accomplishing any one of these tasks, the more anxious and guilty I feel! Do you ever experience this sort of dilema when you're on holiday? My husband and I have gone many rounds while on holiday with me saying, "Please, put the blackberry/computer away and just relax!" I think I'm getting a taste of his dilema.

While my time in the States is necessary (without attention / maintenance, my house, my body and my relationships would all deteriorate), at some level I must be living by a belief that says my time spent on personal needs is not "productive enough" and therefore a waste of time. Logically I know that this is a ridiculous line of thinking; we all need time away from work to take care of ourselves, yet this logical approach does nothing to eliminate feelings of anxiety and guilt.

I figure I have to either be really organized with my time while on "holiday" (an oxymoron) or make choices about what I do and don't do. Or, here's a thought, I could re-examine the internal message and redefine what it means to be productive! And what pops up is this saying, "When you're on your death-bed, will it matter that you didn't ...(fill in the blank)?"

Suddenly it's all quite clear: Being productive to me means spending time doing what really matters to me deep down. Since my relationships really matter to me, spending time nurturing them is very productive. The time I spend with family and friends, the time I spend nurturing and deepening core relationships, is time spent doing what sustains me. It is what helps me do a better job in my work with couples (you have to experience depth of relationship to know how to facilitate it, right?); it is what helps me be able to be away from home for months on end and feel like I belong when I return; it is what informs who and how I am as a person. At this moment in time, I can think of nothing more valuable to spend my time on.

And now I have a new, more congruent idea of what being productive is about for me, and as I say this, I'm feeling a new sense of balance and calm.

If you have a hard time relaxing completely when you're on holiday, ask yourself the question. What comes most quickly and easily to mind is where you want to put your time and energy. Give yourself a break!

DARE TO DREAM BIG

So I'm told that to be a contemporary business person, I need to have a blog. I've been thinking about this for some months now and my feelings about it have boiled down to a mixture of resistance and curiosity. I think the resistance is a reflection of thinking that I'm too old for all this technology, that there's something new around every corner, and I'm just not going to be able to keep up, so why bother! The curiosity is a reflection of thinking that I'm NOT too old, that I CAN keep up, and that it just takes a little courage ... at my age. You see, I just turned 50 and many of my peers are only just giving Facebook a try, then deciding to shut down their accounts because it's too difficult, too much to keep up with in addition to email, work and family life. I understand that! But I'm feeling courageous enough to forge ahead and so I'm going to give this blogging thing a go. I must admit, I'm not entirely sure what a blog is and how it differs from Twitter (another technological avenue I've been encouraged to explore) or Facebook, but here goes.

My aim is to share thoughts, experiences, stories having to do with deepening relational connections. I feel passionate about the power that a connection between two people can have for each as an individual as well as the relational space between them, whether it occurs between lovers, friends, family or complete strangers. This power, which is born in connection, ripples into the world; it can touch many and it can last for days! Imagine a scenario: you're at a family reunion (and I was recently) where the elders present are a couple who have been together for some thirty years. They are observed by the younger generations to be gentle, kind and thoughtful towards one another. They are known by all to be a very loving couple who have weathered many storms and have come through to a place of honor, respect and love for one another. They are a beacon for the rest and everyone can feel their love for one another. In this atmosphere, the rest of us treat our partner with a bit more love .. and we treat our children with a bit more tenderness and patience .. and the children treat each other with fairness and inclusion. The reunion ends, everyone goes home, and with us go feelings of love, warmth, kindness, etc. By virtue of the way we have been affected by the power of the elder's connection, the people we cross paths with in the coming days are also affected, and on it goes. You see how this can ripple out into the world? It's magic!!

I am interested in facilitating more of this in the world because I believe that if we have more people experiencing the power of connection, we'll become a world of happier, healthier people. With happier, healthier people, maybe we'll see less fighting in homes, in communities, in countries and between countries. It's a big dream, but so is being able to keep up with technological growth!

My hope is that you'll feel inspired to make comments to facilitate discussion (can you have a discussion on a blog?). Thanks for joining me in this effort.