Thursday, December 31, 2009

ANNUAL REVIEW DIALOGUE

An Ideal Way to Spend New Year's Eve

Sit quietly with your partner and share the following Dialogue with Mirroring, Validation and Empathy:

1a.  How did I add to your life this past year?
1b.  How would you like me to add to your life in the coming year?

2a.  What helped you feel loved and safe with me this past year?
2b.  What would help you feel loved and safe in the coming year?

3a.  What precious memories do you have from this past year?
3b.  What precious memories would you like to create in the coming year?

4a.  How did you see me grow in this past year?
4b.  In what ways would you like me to grow in the coming year?

5a.  What did you learn from me in this past year?
5b.  What would you like us to learn in the coming year?






Monday, December 14, 2009

THE PLATINUM RULE OF GIFT GIVING

'Tis the season for giving!

You remember the Golden Rule:  "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  Well, it has just been upgraded to the Platinum Rule:  "Do unto others as they would have you do unto them."  If you are a gift-giving person during the holidays, this is a rule to keep in mind.


When we give a gift, our desire is to see the pleasure and surprise on the face of the person receiving the gift.  Quite often we are disappointed in their reaction and in our efforts to get it right.  We buy into the myth that if we really loved them or knew them, we would know exactly what it is that would bring about the desired reaction.


When you think about it, we gift gifts based on the Golden Rule; we give them what we then they would like, and since our loved one is not us, we miss the mark.  Sometimes we select gifts based on advertisements or what friends are giving their loved ones, and again, we miss the mark.  Honestly, it is like shooting arrows in the dark while blindfolded!


Have you ever notice that when a person asks for something specific and you give that to them, they are delighted at receiving it, and suddenly you are seeing the reaction of pleasure and appreciation that you were looking for?  That's because you followed the Platinum Rule !!  Kudos !!!


You might be thinking, "Well, hang on a minute; gifts are supposed to be a surprise!  Where is the surprise in giving what they ask for?"  You have a point.  So another way to give a gift that will surely bring about the desired result is to listen closely for what it is that they wish for ... and then surprise them with that!  The gift here is in the noticing, in paying attention and listening closely, taking an interest in the other to the point that you heard their wish and took action.


The Platinum Rule and the Imago Dialogue go hand in hand.  Since we are distinctly separate beings, we can not possibly know what an Other would like to receive; we must ask and listen.  The Intentional Dialogue is another excellent way of really hearing what it is that your partner wants in life.  

During this holiday season, give your partner the gift of truly listening.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

THE IMPORTANCE OF VALIDATION

I had a big learning at the Imago conference this year. Something I thought I'd learned some time ago, so maybe this was another layer of learning.

People want, and maybe even need,
to feel validated
at the place where they are right now,
and that this is a necessary step in the change/growth process.


Change is difficult. We are rooted in patterns of behavior that feel safe, patterns that we developed a long time ago in response to feeling vulnerable and unsafe, and so changing those behaviors is experienced as risky! And yet, growth / change is a big part of the ultimate purpose in intimate relationships!
Let's face it, change is inevitable. No two people remain unchanged throughout life! So how do we stretch into new behaviors when we experience change as threatening?

I think we first have to recognize the patterns of feelings and behaviors in relationship today and connect with how we felt and behaved similarly in childhood. We have to connect to the childhood piece because that is where we learned how to be in relationship, that is when our patterns of relating set in. It is very likely, however, that the circumstances around which we established those behaviors (for the purpose of establishing relational safety) were different to the circumstances we are in today, but there is enough of an unconscious similarity from then to now that we are living as if then is now! We have to become conscious of the emotional connection and of the circumstantial differences.

Once we understand the vulnerabilities around which the patterns were developed and how we are feeling similarly today, we can begin to experience compassion for ourselves. It is from that place that we begin to feel validated, we can begin to see the sense our behaviors make, recognizing the similarity of our feelings and behaviors between then (in childhood) and now. Deeply experienced feelings from childhood live in us today; we want to become curious as to how so. How are they triggered and how do they show up! This is often the crux of our struggles in adult relationships.

Given our unique set of life experiences, our imprint from birth to now, how we are in relationship (what we say and do), makes sense ... we want to be curious long enough to get the sense we make.
And it so happens that what worked well enough for us in childhood, in terms of our response to vulnerability, does not work so well in adulthood when we feel vulnerable. And, we usually want to experience something different in relationship today, something that enables us to feel a greater connection and a deeper, more mature and honest sense of safety in relationship.

So how do we step into that growth from where we are and what we are experiencing, to where we want to be and how we want to experience ourselves in relationship? How do we break out of the pattern of behavior and still feel safe and connected?

Example: For a long time in my marriage I resented any time that my husband spent away from the family or me that wasn't strictly work related. I figured if he wanted to be with us/me, he would choose to turn down offers for golf, etc. The pattern was that he would mention an invitation and I would instantly become reactive (sulk, stop speaking, become distant and cold), feel hurt and angry, and think I was not interesting or fun enough for him to want to stay home with. Of course, I didn't say all of this to him, I would just huff around the house. He, being a smart man, caught on to this pattern and would avoid telling me about an invitation for as long as possible for fear of the coldness that would ensue. It wasn't fun, but this was our pattern of behavior. Maybe you can relate.

Applying the theory, I
first connected with how I was feeling and acting in the adult relationship and connected it to a time when I had similar feelings and behaviors in childhood. I identified feeling alone, inadequate, and uninteresting; the story in my head (automatic thought) was that I was not enough to keep his interest or for him to want to be home with me; and the deepest associated feeling was fear!. If all this was true (and in my experience it was), my ultimate fear was that he would lose interest completely and we would eventually split. How did this connect to childhood? For me, it connected to a significant time when my family split apart, where my father and closest sister went one way and my mother and I and my littler sisters went another. In my little-person experience as the eldest and most responsible child, I felt I should have been able to hold us together. I schemed for a long time at how to bring the family back together and, of course, I was not successful. I even tried being ugly to my father and his new wife thinking that he would feel the sting of my words, the loss of my love, and come back home. This might sound like an extreme example or a far reach, but when I connected to the deepest feelings I was experiencing in the adult relationship, these were the feelings and the story that I immediately connected with from childhood. Of course, the experience of childhood was one of desperation and I noticed that same feeling as being at the root of what I was experiencing in my marriage.

All of a sudden my reactivity made sense, not only to me but also to my husband. We both felt instant compassion for the feelings and behaviors that occurred whenever I experienced him as choosing to be apart from me. From that place of understanding and compassion, a shift was possible. My circumstances today were certainly different from those of my childhood; I had no ability to affect the relationship of my parents but I do have the ability to improve my relationship today. And I began to feel a freedom from the unconscious hold that those feelings and behaviors and that story had on me. I was able to see how living from that story, from that fear and desperation, was creating a distance, and possibly a forgone conclusion, in my relationship today, and I did NOT want that! I was also able to feel my husband's understanding and compassion for my experience; I felt loved and more secure.

I know this: How I am with my partner has a huge impact on how he experiences me and therefore how he behaves with me. I can't change him, but I can change me and thereby change his experience of me and perhaps his way of being with me, which then influences my experience of him.

So my next step was to acknowledge how my contribution to that pattern of behavior between us was keeping me from getting what I ultimately wanted to experience in my relationship, which was to feel loved, seen, important, desirable, and secure. In order to enable that, I needed to behave differently in moments of insecurity. I decided that what I could do differently was to talk more with my husband about my feelings when they occurred, to allow him to see my vulnerability, and to give him a chance to respond. My hunch was that if I was able to do that, his response would be one of compassion, which would result in my feeling loved, secure, seen, important, etc.
I was right.

So I had to see the pattern of behavior, understand where it came from, develop compassion for the childhood piece, see the difference between then and now, and experience feeling understood and validated both within myself and from my husband. From that place, a shift happened and change and growth in connection was possible.

Thinking back to childhood, what I experienced in relationship as a little person (especially when I didn't feel safe, loved, accepted, seen, valued, secure, etc.) and what I learned to do to help myself feel safer in relationship, made sense. And because we do today what we learned to do then, what I am doing in relationship today when I experience insecurity makes sense. I just have to be curious and explore the connection to get the sense it makes.

And then I have to ask myself what it is that I ultimately want to experience in relationship today with my husband. My deepest desire is to feel loved, accepted, secure, safe, desirable, important, interesting, etc. I have longed to experience these aspects of relationship my whole life; how I have adapted to not always experiencing them makes sense and I want to honor my youthful wisdom and attempts at experiencing them. I want to appreciate the little person within who has gotten me this far in relationship. I want to have compassion for the aspects of myself that I want to change today, aspects which have helped me feel a sense of safety in relationship as a child but which are getting in the way of me achieving what it is that I ultimately want to experience in relationship today.

Then, I have to ask myself, "What is one thing that I can do to better ensure that I will be given love, acceptance, security, safety, etc.?" "How might I change my behavior in order to make it more likely that my partner will want to give me that love, acceptance, security and safety in relationship?"

And then step into that growth. And when I falter, to step back into growth.