Tuesday, March 23, 2010

THE POWER OF A FULLY EXPRESSED APPRECIATION

Have you ever been flooded by a sense of appreciation for your partner? Maybe it was something they did for you or it was a way in which they were with you that touched you and made you feel a gush of love for them. Did you tell them with a simple "Thanks," or did you think it and feel it and keep it to yourself?


I was recently reminded of the power of a fully expressed appreciation.  


About a month ago, my husband and I were presenting a Getting the Love You Want workshop for couples and we volunteered to do a demonstration of an Appreciation Dialogue; I agreed to be the one appreciating him. To give you some history ... I'd been having trouble with my new computer and needed his help at the shop to explain the issue in techno-terminology. His schedule was really tight at work, but he managed to reschedule a meeting so that he could meet up with me and help get my problems all sorted. When it was all over, I could have said simply, "Thanks for the help today" and left it at that.  


Instead, I took this opportunity to fully appreciate him. I looked into his eyes and told him I appreciated him having taken the time to meet me at the store in the middle of his hectic day, that I knew he didn't have the space in his calendar and yet, by moving a meeting, he created the time to help me, and I really appreciated that. I appreciated that he'd been working really hard lately and that he'd been experiencing a lot of pressure from work, and so his effort to make the time to help me meant even more. I also appreciated that he did it all with an attitude of love and support and that what this told me about him as a person was that he is a generous and committed person. The feelings that came up for me as a result of all of this were that I felt gratitude, I felt loved, I felt important and special, I felt like a priority for him and like I really mattered to him. All of that was deeply healing for me; for many years in our marriage I longed to feel this way with him, and so each time I experience him this way, it moves me closer to feeling deeply secure in our relationship. Had I simply said, "Thanks", I would have missed the whole experience. I felt a deep connection and love for him in the moment of appreciating him so fully. We each got a little misty-eyed.


When we were done, someone commented on how much there was in my appreciation that is so often never spoken, and how much depth and connection seems possible as a result of going there; this was an eye-opener to them having seen the demonstration. My husband spoke up and talked about how meaningful it was for him to hear my full appreciation of his effort. It had indeed been a very difficult time at work and it was hard for him to make the time to meet up with me, that having done so and being so appreciated for it made all the difference in the world! He felt recognized and appreciated for his efforts. He spoke about how healing it was to experience me appreciating him so fully because he has often felt unappreciated in life (by me, the children, work, and by his parents as a young boy) for all that he does.  


I suspect you too have opportunities to experience the depth and connection that is possible when you experience moments of appreciation for your partner. To help you share your appreciation more fully, I offer this dialogue so that you can gush over them in a way that is healing and connecting for you both.


Let your partner know that you want to appreciate them for something so that you have their undivided attention. Sit comfortably across from each other so that you can look softly into each other eyes without straining. Take a few deep breaths to center yourself and to connect with the depth of your appreciation.  And say:
  • Something I appreciate about you is ...
  • What I really appreciate about that is ...
  • What that tells me about you, your character, is ...
  • When I experience you that way, what I feel is ... and what it heals in me is ...
  • How I'm feeling as I share this with you now is ...
Expressing an appreciation fully is as beneficial to the sender as it is to the receiver. It just feels good! Give it a go and comment on your experience!! I look forward to hearing from you.








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