I've been thinking about how adult committed relationships are ultimately for the purpose of growth and healing and that the struggles we experience in these committed relationships are really about growth trying to happen. I've also been thinking about the 10/90 principle of relationship: that the pain we experience in relationship today is 10% to do with our relationship today and 90% to do with pain carried over from childhood. And I've been thinking about how strange it is then that when we feel pain in relationship today, we blame our partner as if they are 100% responsible for all of our pain.
When we look to our partner to solve a problem for which they are only 10% responsible, we miss the opportunity for growth and healing by a large margin and consequently never really feel satisfied in the solution; we experience only a temporary and sometimes shallow feeling of peace and connection. Over time, it is little wonder the divorce rate is what it is today. Couples are feeling dissatisfied, disillusioned and disconnected.
When we acknowledge the pain from the past that we bring to this relationship and how it is that our partner triggers our wound from time to time, then we are better able to find solutions that effectively alleviate the pain, provide opportunities for growth and healing, and bring us back to connection and lasting peace. We see couples for whom this exists .. they exude love and respect and they are what make us all believe that true love is possible.
Personal Example: Looking back, I felt somewhat invisible throughout my childhood. I was a good kid in that I helped those around me, I stayed out of trouble, and I kept my head down. As a result, I didn't get much notice. This was a bit deliberate on my part because to get noticed, in my estimation, meant that I was in trouble and I wanted to avoid that all together! As a child, I felt successful in my approach for harmony. Fast forward some many! years ... I'm married with children and "doing" the role of wife and mother by the book; I'm looking after everyone's needs, I'm responsible, I don't ask for much ... and I'm feeling unnoticed, unimportant, uninteresting, etc. I would complain to my husband that he doesn't seem to want to spend time with me ... that other things seem to be of higher priority to him than me ... that he was becoming more distant .. you get the picture. It was all about him: He was 100% responsible for my pain and my focus for solution was HIM; he needed to change and then I would feel happy. We/I would talk about it, he would make a few changes, things would feel better for awhile, and eventually we would slide back into the old pattern, those old feelings would creep back in, and I would start to feel unimportant, unseen, uninteresting, etc., etc. Do you know this story?
It took me some years of hitting my head against the proverbial brick wall and a Getting the Love You Want couples workshop to get that those feelings of being unimportant, unseen, uninteresting, unnoticed, were in me to begin with and that it didn't take much for him to trigger the pain that lived in me. And yet I was acting as if he was 100% responsible for all of my pain. Once I was able to acknowledge that most of that pain originated in childhood and that it wasn't so much a result of him, but rather that he just tapped into it, were we able to make lasting changes that effectively relieved the pain and restored connection between us. When I shared with him stories of when I was young and felt those same feelings, he experienced a depth of compassion for the pain that I re-experienced whenever he unwittingly tapped into that particular wound.
When we were able to look at my frustration and dissect it to the point where we were able to own what was ours (for me it was about long held pain of feeling invisible; for him it was needing to create emotional distance, a wound he carried over from childhood), we were able to use that situation for growth and healing. Having developed a sense of compassion for my pain, my husband was willing and able to step into actions that were growth producing for him and that provided healing for me. A few examples: he calls me every day when he travels and sometimes that's not easy given the different time zones and activities that we are each involved in; he initiates private dinner dates and focuses his attention on really hearing about what is going on in my life; he occasionally turns down a golf invitation if he's been traveling a lot so that we can catch up on together time because that is what is most important to him. For my part, I've become conscious of when these feelings creep in and instead of blaming him and expecting him to fix things, I acknowledge that these are old feelings, possibly an old tape that might be playing in my head, and that that tape does not pertain to my relationship today. This opens up space in which we are able to stay connected and in which I am able to receive the love that is available for me today. Growth and healing .. the ultimate purpose in adult committed relationships.
How about you? When you feel internal pain, do you have a tendency to look outside of yourself for solutions? If you were to look inside, what link would you discover between the pain you experience today and that which you experienced in childhood? How would the 10/90 principle of relationship apply to you? How might you use that awareness for growth and healing in your relationship today? I'm interested in your story.
Here's a related article: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=1
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